Advice: Sex has more flavours than an Ani DiFranco song.

Dear TheGaze,
Vibrators. Is that a dirty word? Are guys afraid of them or something? I tried to introduce my vibrator recently as a ‘fun’ thing to do with my boyfriend. He freaked out and got all uncomfortable, quiet and weird. It’s not that I don’t enjoy sex with him, I do, but I would like to mix it up once and a while. What’s the deal, am I out of line? Or is there is a way I can introduce toys without making him feel threatened/ or that he’s not good enough?


Ask Her.

Dear Vibrator-less,

First, you’re not out of line. Sex is not soft serve ice cream, it does not strictly come in vanilla or chocolate, nor does a blending of said flavours in a “twist” cover the extent of enjoyable options.

I’m seeing two possible scenarios here. Either your boyfriend feels threatened by your interest in toys and is worried that you’re not satisfied with him au naturel, or he’s intimidated by the vibrator itself, and is embarrassed to admit that he doesn’t know how to please you with it.

 So, let’s cover all of our bases here. Though you’ve probably already told him how much you enjoy sex with him, do it again. Make sure he knows why you’re pulling out the vibe, and that you don’t “need” it to have fun with him. Note that you will not be helping by pulling it out every chance you get. Start slow. Also, show him that your openness to new things goes both ways, and try asking him if he has any toys, games, or fantasies he’d like to try out. Not only will you intrigue him with your openness to his fantasies, you can show him how not threatened and cool you are with his ideas, in turn showing him that it’s really not a big deal.

In terms of his ability to actually use the vibrator, can you really blame him? It probably took him all of his teenage years to locate the clitoris with his hands, and now you’re asking him to wield battery power? Alas, it’s just like anything new in sex, where showing is just so much more effective than the telling. If he’s comfortable enough to sit back and watch, start by giving him a tour of the grounds, so to speak. Show him how you like to use it, and watch as his quiet weirdness becomes supplemented by drool. Just a hunch, but I’m not so sure your boyfriend will be able to sit back and watch for long. Offer him some positive feedback, and you’ll be off to the races in no time.


Aunt Renée

Ask the Rabbi.

Dear Sans Vibrateur,

Vibrators are a great idea, and a great way to build variety into your sex life. Mazel tov!

Still, let’s look at this situation from your boyfriend’s point of view. Whereas his penis can only do so much before it’s time for a nap, a vibrator is more or less tireless. That could be threatening to some guys. Plus, your boyfriend undoubtedly knows that you know exactly how to please yourself with a vibrator — maybe he’s worried that he can’t compare. There could also be a size issue involved, but you’ll have to make that determination on your own.

So, how can you make that whirring, untiring mechanical phallus less threatening to your merely human boyfriend? Well, a little verbal reassurance could go a long way. Perhaps a “how-to” session could do the trick– your boyfriend might not even know how to use the damn thing at this point. As long as you let him get involved — and as long as you let him know that his penis is your number one penis — I find it hard to imagine that he wouldn’t want to give it a try.

Finally, timing probably matters. Try and introduce the vibrator when the sex has been good, and explain that you want to make things even better. If you bring it in at a time when the sex is only so-so, it’s easy to see why your man might get freaked out. But if he already feels like a studly stud, he might be more willing to branch out.

Wishing you only good vibrations,

Rabbi Solomon

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